Dear readers,
At the conference dinner there was a very large buffet and I assume that something I ate there started the whole thing: it was probably an infection that created an imbalance between my mind and my digestive system. For two or three days after the conference I had a few quick and not very healthy meals which made things even worse and on Wednesday 11th March, after a meal at the university canteen, I started having the first symptoms: a light general discomfort and formication all over my hands. My first thought was that I had caught the Corona virus at the conference. Normally, this thought would not have not caused any particular trouble, but the first seed had been already planted and in a few days it developed into a real problem: parallel to the physical symptoms of a typical stomach flu (diarrhoea, nausea, abdominal cramps, digestion problems, etc...), for the first time in my life I developed feelings of fear, panic and anxiety in connection with the Corona virus. My daily life changed dramatically: I washed my hands several times during the day, went into panic whenever I inadvertently touched my face, used gloves all the time and was afraid of coming closer to other people. In the first weeks of the first lockdown we did not have to wear masks (they became available later on) and when I went shopping I rushed through the supermarket and in a few minutes I had picked up all I wanted to buy.
In the meantime, my doctor had contacted me to reschedule an appointment I had made a few months before for the end of April for a general check-up. They wanted to postpone it to the end of May, but due to the problems I was having at the time, I asked if I could go as soon as possible. We agreed on the 8th May. After a thorough check up, he gave me a referral to a gastroenterologist for a gastroscopy. One important factor he was concerned about was my weight loss: I don`t know exactly how much I weighed before everything started, but I would estimate around 62 or 63 kg. On 8th May I weighed 56.
My physical symptoms had changed by then and they were not those of a typical stomach flu anymore but at a certain point I had also started having problems with acid and with food ingestion: very often, whatever I ate, it felt like the food stopped in my lower chest and would not enter my stomach. I felt acid all over me and it even reached my mouth and my nose. I had to put loads of things under the mattress to elevate my upper chest and head to fight acid reflux.
I also realized that the two groups of symptoms were connected in a way: the panic and the emotions I had due to my state of anxiety caused a deterioration of my physical condition. I soon became aware of the fact that every time I had episodes of panic and anxiety my physical symptoms got worse and I could hardly eat anything. Moreover, the formication that I sometimes had over my hands extended to my arms and legs as well. Later I also started feeling slight pain on both sides of my forehead, which I found out to be psychosomatic: my nerves were aching. I called the specialist to ask if I could bring forward the appointment, but it was not possible. When I explained my current symptoms to the nurse (the ones related to my stomach), her reaction really upset me: her tone was quite arrogant and annoyed, as if she felt I was wasting her time. She said something like: "Oh, come on, it`s ridiculous, the stomach is always open and food always goes through it, it must be something else". If you work as a health care worker, remember this: no matter what you want to say to a patient and no matter how ridiculous what they say may sound to you, your tone of voice and attitude are extremely important and can even make things worse. I remember I had symptoms on that day, just after that phone call.
Anyway, I must also say that the anxiety related to the Corona virus did not actually last that long. In fact, by the end of May it had almost completely gone away but soon re-emerged, this time connected to my current physical status: the inability to digest properly and the resulting weight loss. When my doctor asked me if I had any anxiety or if I was worried about something, I told him that the only worry I had was my own physical condition. Later I discovered that any slightly negative thought or worry would then be a trigger for physical symptoms, probably due to the disconnection between my digestive system and my mind.
On Thursday 28th May, the day before the preliminary talk with the specialist (two weeks before the scheduled gastroscopy) I went to the doctor and he gave me a referral to the hospital, where I stayed for five days and did all possible tests. Final diagnosis: everything was fine, nothing was wrong with me, my symptoms had a psychosomatic origin. I was told I could go home and go back to my normal life. I was of course relieved that they did not find anything wrong with me, and indeed things started to improve, but it did not last long. The worst had yet to come.
